PATRONS
| ATKIN, Mr &Mrs K | ATKINSON, Mr J | BASKERVILLE Mrs N | BINNINGTON Mrs E | DIXON, Mrs D | FERRIMAN Mrs E |
| FRANKLAND, Mr & Mrs P | FREEMAN Mrs L | GODSON, Mrs M T | GRAY, Mr & Mrs W | GRIMES, Mr & Mrs G | HARDING,Mr & Mrs G |
| HARLAND, Mr & Mrs C | HARRISON, Mr P | JACKSON, Mrs, P | JAMES, Mrs B | JOHNSON, Mrs R M | KHURI , Mr & Mrs M |
| KIRKBY, Mr & Mrs, S | LANCASTER, Mr C L | LOS, Mrs P | LOVEJOY, Mrs D B | MARGINSON, Miss B | MOLLOY Miss E |
| MOXON, Mrs D | MOXON, Mrs R | NEEDHAM, E | NEWLOVE Mrs B | NOON Andy & Tracy | PORTER, Mr & Mrs, A |
| RANSON, Mr & Mrs, P | RIGBY, Mr D | RUSSELL, Mrs Pat | SAGAR, Mr & Mrs I | SCROWSTON, Mrs S | SCRUTON, Mr & Mrs N |
| SHARP, Mr, J | SHAVE, Mr & Mrs P | SIMPSON, Mrs L | SKINN, Mrs B | SMITH, Mr & Mrs G | SMITH Mrs H |
| STOW Mrs J | STUBBS, Mrs B | WELBURN Mr & MrsB | WRAY, Mr & Mrs J | WRENCH, Mrs | WROOT Mrs G |
| BENFELL, Mr & Mrs K |
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Please contact me:
| ANDREWS, Kate | CAVE, Pat | CHRISTIE, Ann | CROSS, John | EASTWOOD, Andrew |
WALKER, Dorothy
|
WILKINSON, David |
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If that doesn’t help you can also train your dog
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Some Latin stuff for you
A Roman centurion walked into a taverna, held up two fingers and said, “Five pints, please”.
On the menu – “Carpe diem” – “Fish of the day”
And a Latin poem:
Caesar et sum jam forte,
Brutus et erat,
Caesar sic in omnibus, Brutus sic in at.
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Some advice from your leader
Tri-lingual pun
French cheesemaker Leon Bel (of Baby Bel fame) saw a meat wagon on the battlefield during WW1 called “La Wachkyrie” ( a pun on Wagner’s Valkyrie). He decided to borrow the name for his new processed cheese, which he called “La Vache qui rit” “the Laughing Cow”, still popular today. None of that all the funny, but the writer of the item in the paper suggested he should have followed it up with “Low and Grin” – better.
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Joke from Nick Hart
A young man was having a drive in the country in his new convertible, when he came to a ford.
‘I say’ he said to a yokel standing nearby, ‘how deep is this ford?’
‘Oh that b’aint too deep’ said the yokel.
The man drove his car into the ford, till the water sloshed over the door- tops.
‘I thought you said it wasn’t deep,’ shouted the young man.
‘S’funny’ said the yokel, ‘it only comes ‘alf way up our ducks’.
John Cross – Honorary Life Member
The Committee recently decided unanimously to award the status of Honorary Life Member to John Cross, baritone, who retired last month from the Choir after many, many years membership, including a stint as Chairman/Vice Chairman.
Current Chairman David Cross travelled to John’s home in Hornsea to make the presentation to his namesake, suitably socially-distanced with his medal on the end of a six-foot bamboo cane – better than flicking it in his direction like a coin! For the first time, the Committee decided to accompany the medal with a certificate to mark the event.
Just drove through North Cave behind a van on the back of which was a message: “Eat healthy British chickens”
Hmm, kinda thought they were supposed to be dead.
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If you missed the wonderful lunchtime concert premiere featuring Thomas Bertolotti and our Amy, you can still go and see it at:
Did you have a PE Master like that?
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“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”
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In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
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In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS…
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In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
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In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
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Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
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Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS…
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Spotted in a safari park:
(I certainly hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
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Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
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Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
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Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
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On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK.)
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a vet!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good lazy so-and-so’s!
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I can see where it might have that effect !
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya’ think?!
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You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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Weren’t they fat enough ?
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans !
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Chainsaw Massacre all over again !
The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that “When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course……….
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
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Church Bulletins! These sentences (I’m told) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge, – Up Yours”.
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Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, but…
I just read a typo from a text message regarding a Primary School Church activity:
“Please join us for refreshments afterwards, and if we can wash your dirty willies for you, please bring them along” – corrected 5 minutes later to read “wellies”.
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Nigel contributes the clock. You need to think about it a bit!
(NB It isn’t supposed to work. Please don’t pick up and shake your computer)
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